Rocket Shoes

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.

→ No CommentsTags:lollapalooza 2009

Sham “Yes, Wow is Accurate”

April 20th, 2009 · Daily Ramblings

Give me an element, and I’m sure to try to ruin my apartment with it. I don’t stop at fire, people. We actually don’t even have a fireplace at this apartment, but I wouldn’t put it past me to randomly light a piece of paper on fire in the middle of the room, leave for twenty minutes, and then be surprised that the smoke doesn’t go up the invisible chimney.

I love brita/pur water filters. I can’t explain this at all. The last time I checked, I do not live in a third world country where giardia is running rampant. You know what though? Filling a water dispenser and putting it in my fridge is soothing to me. And it’s funny, because I only change the actual filters in there once every 2 to 5 years. So basically, i’m filtering water through a not-filter, it’s getting really cold, and then I’m drinking it. And I couldn’t be more excited about this. I imagine that there are anthrax-like chemicals coming through the faucet, and RIGHT before they trick me, I’m winning and filtering them out. HA! Take that, terrorists!

Anyways, where was I. I love brita/pur water filters. So when the brita jug is getting low, I take pride in being the roommate who saves us all and refills it aggressively. So this Saturday morning when I saw that the filter was low, I got right to it. As Dave was cooking, I quietly pulled that little puppy out and threw it on the counter (why not IN the sink, you ask? HA. Logic, schmogic), placed the faucet hose in it, turned it on full blast, and did the only logical thing one could do: stopped paying attention to it so I could check twitter. At 9:30am. Because I’m sure people are talking about really interesting things at this hour, like, “hey. I woke up.” I amaze myself.

Fast forward to about 5 minutes from now. It turns out water, when turned on, just keeps dispensing. I look up, and Dave is frantically running around because the counter is overflowing with water and a waterfall is now dispensing onto our floor. I wanted to help, but I was in the middle of writing out what I was doing on twitter. So once I finished that (PHEW!), I frantically joined and realized that I had basically just created a flash flood in our apartment. Awesome.

After going through about 14 rolls of paper towels, you begin to have the realization that Bounty was, in fact, lying to you. It turns out it is quicker and thicker at picker-uppering nothing. At all (oh false advertising, you ALWAYS win). So we begin to have the panic moment. And here’s my favorite part. Dave says, “Drew, it’s times like these I wish I had a shamwow.”

Yeah, I bought them. Judge me. But ask yourself this: when it picks up all the soda in the pie tin, did you think to yourself, “MAN. If I EVER have a flash flood, this thing could be really awesome.” Well, because I make sound fiscal decisions at all time, I clearly thought about this and bought 14,243 of them.

I am still amazed at those things. I’m pretty sure two of them absorbed at least 432 gallons of water. Where do it go? I don’t understand. I almost just started running a hose in our house so that I could then shamwow the bejesus out of the wreckage. Like, I want to go put one in a pool, because i’m pretty sure that it would drain the whole thing. It’s addicting. Almost a sick sense of power you get. “Oh yeah, water? Well look at this NOT AT ALL UNIQUE shammy cloth I have! HA! Secret weapon in your FACE!”

And you know what? I get how they named them now. Someone was sitting there. They got water all over the place. They had nothing with them but an old shammy cloth, they threw it on the floor…and then some random person said, “wow.” And there you have it. And you know what? I have no problem with that, and will invest my entire savings account into a company founded on this stoner happening.

If you need to borrow one, I have about 14,200 extra (the commercial is not lying, it’s like you place your order and an entire factory in Malaysia sends you their entire inventory). And if you need any really cold water that is giardia and anthrax free, I have plenty in my fridge at all times. Or on my floor. It’s your call. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find some way to break my apartment with the few remaining elements I haven’t abused. I’ve got fire and water DOWN.

Sham "Yes, Wow is Accurate"

Close Bookmark and Share This Page

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.

→ 3 CommentsTags:brita·drew genius·pur·shamwow

They ARE just like us! (crazy girls, that is)

April 15th, 2009 · Daily Ramblings

So here’s the thing: Lindsay Lohan is crazy. Batshit crazy. You know how I know this? Because we all know a crazy girl. Maybe you’ve dated one (it’s been years, but oh the memories), maybe she’s your sister, maybe you ARE the crazy girl and you kiiiinda know it but don’t like to admit it but your friends say this about you. Bottom line: everyone knows that girl, and Lindsay is certainly it right now (like how I called her Lindsay like we’re besties? I do). I also kind of find this to be unfair and feel bad (if that’s possible) for her. It’s like telling a fat kid to eat a cupcake and then saying, “Hey, stop being so fat!”: you baited them. And not only that…

Everyone’s got a little crazy in them.

We just don’t go to the Chateau Marmont and act batshit crazy in front of Perez and his asshole friends. You know why? Because we weren’t in The Parent Trap when we were twelve years old (I imdb’d her age and did some awesome math. I’m not THAT creepy). It turns out that pays a little more than the hourly rate at the Homefield Advantage baseball card shop (I got unlimited airheads and jelly bellies. I should have negotiated a bit harder). And you know what you did when you got money in your formative years? That’s right: you bought pot and alcohol. And you did them. And then you passed out in front seats of cars. And then your friends laughed, and you became a lesbia…well ok so you just went a bit apeshit and had too much fun. The kind that got you grounded when you came home and tried to go through the doggie door and your mom woke up (totally hypothetical).

But that’s the thing: you just got in trouble, everyone knew you were just going through “a phase”, and then you grew up and got a job. So take a minute, go through your upbringing and your childhood shenanigans. Ready? Okay. Here’s how that same thing went down for Lindsay Lohan.

It turns out people looked at Lindsay Lohan when she was a kid and said, “Hey! That girl is gonna be cute and already kind of is! She should be in movies.” You know who they said that to? HER BATSHIT CRAZY mom. And her dad who was…oh I don’t know, IN JAIL ALL THE TIME for being a person who does things that make them go to jail (again, re: not your dad). So captain moneyhoarders one and two put her in movies. When she was around sixteen, her mom said, “Hey, Lindsay, don’t worry about school or thinking. Check out this awesome alcohol I found that looks like water! Go drink it and date the guy from That 70’s Show. He looks like a winner!” And then when she got wasted with her friends and came through the doggie door (AGAIN, hypothetically)? Her mom was right behind her because she was coming home from the party, too.

Here’s the fun part: she made a billion katrillion dollars in the process. When I had twenty bucks? I thought it was a killer idea to go buy some keystone light because it tasted really bad and made me want to lunge at girls who were out of my range. Lindsay had enough money to buy nine bars, drink them, and then laugh as one of her twelve cars drove her home. Oh, and her mom was high-fiving her the whole time. If someone told Lindsay Lohan at this point in time that the police were magical unicorns that only emerge when people without money look at other people, she would probably have to believe them. She just didn’t have a normal upbringing.

Fast forward to now, and the girl is a trainwreck. Her career choices were to create a fake tanning line in LA (which I’m pretty sure is like making a line of designer snow or ice cubes in Alaska) and to create a designer line of…leggings. She has dated ninety famous people who also live in hollywood/narnia and her last movie was like a movie about a hooker who’s not a hooker but MAYBE is a hooker because she doesn’t know she killed her. Seriously. Write that down: this is her career. She is playing grown-up, except she is playing it in magical sugar cookie land.

And now, she just had some whirlwind romance with someone. The kind YOU’VE been through. Where everything makes you laugh and you think people’s breath isn’t bad in the morning because they are SO ADORABLE! That kind. And she’s going through this ugly, terrible breakup where everyone, including presumably your grandparents, know about it. That she “totes couldn’t get into the club because Samantha’s family has a restraining order on her.” That she has been twittering cray cray galore about how Samantha sucks. Everyone is watching someone have a REALLY bad breakup, and we’re all talking about it like this is so unheard of and “sad” because she’s pathetic.

If someone watched my breakups and took pictures and documented it? Yikes.

“Michelle breaks up with Drew because he is a goldminer in Nevada with no career ambition.” says US Weekly.

Cover of People Magazine Headline: (Picture of Michelle) “I’m dating a male model, and I’m happy”

“Drew out of control drinking wine on mom’s couch. ENOUGH says family…they are worried he’s rehab bound!”

Drew’s Best Friend Speaks! “He’s just…he doesn’t do anything but cry. Like, a wheezing cry. Oh, and he writes her all these letters. It’s kind of creepy.”

All of that right there? Not one word is fiction (yeah I was a goldminer for a summer. I know, right? ladies, line goes to the right). See? Now I’m batshit crazy. Because my girlfriend and I broke up, and it sucked. That’s it. It’s not that exciting.

But the bottom line is: I had a bad breakup and my family took care of me. When I didn’t get a real job? My family said that Narnia is actually closed now, so I’m gonna have to try to get one of those “real” jobs in San Francisco. They took care of me.

This girl’s family is just sitting there. They are not normal. They are putting out press releases. No one is saying, “Hey kiddo. Maybe sit this one out and, you know, don’t talk for a while.” They are letting her give interviews to US Weekly. Because THAT’S a healthy outlet.

So if you see Lindsay on the street, say sorry. Tell her that you are probably kind of crazy, too. Maybe not BATshit crazy, but probably a little crazy, too. Because really, we’re all a little crazy. You just don’t have a camera on you when you are drunk texting your ex at 2am or falling asleep on street corners in Menlo Park because you “died”.

(Hey, I got a little crazy in me. What can I say? Lindsay: Call me)

Close Bookmark and Share This Page

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.

→ No CommentsTags:lindsay lohan·rant

Click Here If You Have Feelings. CLICK HERE IF YOU HAVE FEELINGS.

February 26th, 2009 · Daily Ramblings

So my cousin Dave is by far the most interesting human being you will ever meet. I love him to death, and he’s trying to get the coolest job on the planet. He basically wants to live for six months in Australia on the Great Barrier Reef. And i’m fine with this and aiding his cause, because the guy does crazy shit like live in the wilderness and track animals. No, really. Like, Bear Grylls stuff. And the thing is: he’s legit. So for the purpose of getting the man the job (i’m not sure it helps too much, but please do click if you like me and have feelings and CARE ABOUT ME. Kidding! Not really though), here’s his video entry for the contest. Good luck Dave. I’m not doing much for you, but consider this a digital high five.

If you can, please click here to go rate him five stars on the contest website. I’ll make him write your name on a grain of rice if you ever see him in Mexico. Non-sequiter? Sure. But you’re intrigued…

Close Bookmark and Share This Page

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.

→ 4 CommentsTags:australia·great barrier reef·my cousin is awesome·the best job in the world

The Microwave/Where Is The Macrowave?

February 24th, 2009 · Daily Ramblings

So I got to thinking the other day at work. The microwave is a terrifying, odd device. Here’s my thought process anyway.

We are all terrified of radiation and cancer and all that. The whole, “ahhh we’re all gonna die if we put cell phones to our head or drink splenda or enjoy non-fat potato chips” thing is borderline out of control. As I’ve said before. the bluetooth thing…while extremely, EXTREMELY cool in theory (no wires/your brain won’t get melted from radiation or..I dunno something like that), just turned out to be a way that everyone could look really stupid with a blinking device on their ear. Oh, and when people call all the conversation ends up being is awkward, due to the, “this conversation kind of sucks, because I can’t hear you when you are talking in a wind tunnel.” At this point, the person wearing the bluetooth headset usually takes it off after an angry exchange with the person they are on the phone with about how it sounds fine to them, and then the call at this point usually just drops, because apparently no one has any clue how to use a bluetooth device, or why for ANY reason it is called “bluetooth”. So hooray Motorola! You’ve made us all look retarded…and you’ve made people in tacky suits look important everywhere!

Where was I.

The microwave. WHY are we not HORRIFIED of this device? Seriously, think about that thing. It’s the most basic, yet terrifying device I have ever seen. You put in something that is cold. You hit a button….and it starts humming. Just…HUMMING. And please don’t write explaining the microwave to me, I’m sure there are great explanations on how a microwave works. Thanks in advance. But that’s not the point. It just hums…and then we take whatever we put in it…which oh by the way NOW YOU CAN’T TOUCH BECAUSE A MAGICAL WAVE HAS MADE IT BOILING…and we just eat or drink it. Um, cool. We won’t put a cell phone to our heads anymore, but we’re totally cool with eating radioactive popcorn or coffee that’s been magically transformed into death heat liquid….am I the only one who looks at the microwave and finds this totally creepy?

Oh and ps, there is a grill on the front with tiny little holes all over (look at the microwave door) that apparently is saving us from the radioactivity. This is what the braniacs came up with to prevent us from dying from micro…waves? Are they that dangerous? If so, why do I want them in my popcorn?

After all this, it still stands that I think more than anything I’m just horrified because as a kid I’d sit next to the microwave and stick my forehead on the door staring in at my bagel dog thinking, “cmonbageldogcmonbageldogcmonbageldog”…so that’s got me feeling pretty good about my cancer chances.

I bet a macrowave would be awesome. I don’t really know why though.

I’m going to go buy a bluetooth headset so I can look really dumb now. See you later.

(For those keeping score at home, that’s TWO reposts from an old myspace blog in one day. But I had this conversation at work today and it brought back memories of when I did nothing at work and how I missed that. Wait do I do anything yet?)

Close Bookmark and Share This Page

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.

→ 2 CommentsTags:bluetooth·macrowave·microwave

The Bike Lane/Really? Really

February 24th, 2009 · Daily Ramblings

Okay bikers. Let’s have a talk. Oh i’m sorry…cyclists. No, no, no…I don’t want to offend you. Anyways, so about the whole “share the road” thing.

Not quite sure I understand why we’re doing this. I mean, you have a bike lane. It fits bikes. Yet you don’t seem to want to use it ever. It’s almost there just to be an obnoxious 3 feet of road that no one is using. Cool, that seems like a good idea then. I’m all about doing things for no apparent reason, so rad.

I’ve got an idea. Could you guys weave in and out of lanes uncontrollably going 15-23 mph at all times? That’d be awesome. I mean, I can totally see why my machine made of metal and anger would be a great match for your aluminum 3-7 pounder. You know, me going 40mph and you kind of just weaving uncontrollably and not really looking. At all.

I’ve got an idea. I’ll just drive on the sidewalk every now and then. Oh no, I mean it’s totally cool! That won’t freak the pedestrians out if I just swerve out of my lane out of nowhere without really giving them a headsup!

Just stay in the bike lane. Please. I’m begging you. Stay in there. We don’t go the same speeds, and you’re going to die. And not like in a “I hate you, you should die” way, just more like a “if you swerve in to me, I am godzilla and you are a very small ant” kind of way. Great! See you out there!

(ps: I just recycled this post because I’ve had zero time to write lately. I wrote this on myspace a few years back. Yeah that’s right. I wrote a blog on myspace. Nowadays that feels like saying “I’ll see you later at the Vans Warped Tour!”)

(pps: I will start writing again once life normalizes a bit and i’m moved into my new place and high fiving life when I wake up and apply a kiel’s cream to my face that is doing nothing, yet I overpaid for it. Can’t wait to talk to you all again soon. Let’s makeout on the couch and talk about how good it is to get back together and then cry about it in the morning. Hypothetically of course. Wait, what?)

No Seriously, You're My Favsie Too!

Close Bookmark and Share This Page

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.

→ 5 CommentsTags:bikes·sf cycling·the bike lane

I’m Pretty Supportive

February 13th, 2009 · Daily Ramblings

A friend sent this to me today. Sometimes, people just get you. And they’re so right it hurts.

Close Bookmark and Share This Page

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.

→ 2 CommentsTags:someecards

Valentimes Is Serious Times (Mixtape Edition)

February 12th, 2009 · Daily Ramblings, What I'm Listening To

I don’t know what to think of Valentine’s Day. Being that I’m a serial monogamist (truth), I usually love this day. It’s a surefire way for me to spend too much money, pull out the John Cusack in me, and woo the fuck out of a girl. But here’s the thing: It kind of sucks when you are single. You know why? Because EVERYONE IS IN LOVE. I mean, even that guy who is always on second life? He has a girlfriend. People eating big macs, dying a slow, over processed death? They are happier than you. They are smiling. Their girlfriend is wiping the sesame seed off of their cheek, saying, “awww honey, that’s so adorable! look at that rainbow over there! do me on it!” And well, I’m just eating a big mac while prospective mates judge me and think, “well I certainly wouldn’t ever date a guy who eats big macs” (I don’t eat big macs ladies. But I do love chicken mcnuggets, even if there is no “mcnugget” region on a chicken. Don’t worry, I’m aware). Sucks. But I had a thought.

You know what? I’d makeout with me. No seriously, I’d take me. I’m pretty attractive (pats self on back), I am pretty funny (keeps fishing, pats self on back again), and I have normal friends, which all girls know gives a guy silent street cred. In terms of bare bones criteria for “a guy you’d probably hook up with”, I’ve got to at least be partially there. I will not point out my flaws. Because I don’t have any. But really, I’d makeout with me.

Point being, on this lovely hallmark holiday…I will have no valentine (fishing again, but only if you’re really attractive and want to makeout with me…see the theme?). And hey, guess what? Your loss, ladies. I think. But instead of throwing my woo at a woman, I’ve decided to throw out a mixtape as a form of friend woo to all of you out there. It’s delicious, tastes like fairy dust, and we can all eat it together and giggle while we get sesame seeds on our cheeks. So yeah, I love you too. Happy valentine’s day.

So in honor of valentine’s day… I’d Makeout With Me … a mixtape of hapiness that we can all have a serious relationship with and it won’t totally fuck up and breakup with us someday. Because we are perfect. (I don’t know if you can tell, but i’m single. Call me)

Click below to have your ears melt with love and candybars. Because as my friend Ali (who is a human pandora radio) and I agree…

“If you can’t makeout with yourself, then I mean…”

Close Bookmark and Share This Page

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.

→ 2 CommentsTags:mixtape·valentines day

Shameless Promotion! I’m Immature!

February 12th, 2009 · Daily Ramblings

So if you have a URL called “drewhoolhorst.com”…you gotta believe you like yourself a little bit. And I loves me a lot.

I’ll make this one short. A lovely company by the name of Tokbox let me write the funny haha’s for them, and I seriously thank them for it. The videos we made (I wrote/concepted, the actual talented people drew them..GET IT?? my NAME is drew! GOD I crack myself up!) were posted today, and I’d love it if you’d view them, comment on them. Click on them. Stare at them and do nothing. Laugh and tell no one. High five the computer monitor. I’ll buy you a beer sometime. Or like four if you are really attractive and would consider making out with me.

If someone told me when I was waiting tables and serving people neon green martinis (fact: those were not organic, i’m pretty sure) while wearing an all black ninja restaurant costume that someday i’d be the proud owner of a “creative directing” gig, well, i’d laugh and go pour another appletini. I win, world…I win.

Close Bookmark and Share This Page

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.

→ 3 CommentsTags:mekanism·shameless promotion·tokbox

Don’t Pass This Apartment Up!

February 8th, 2009 · Daily Ramblings

Looking for a new apartment in San Francisco may be one of the worst things you can ever go through. It’s like every apartment is a little drumstick behind a velvet rope, and landlords allow access and remove the rope and we all beat each other to death trying to get to the drumstick first. Don’t ask why I used a drumstick as the metaphor, it was a bad one. But you get the point and can probably sympathize: It’s a headache and makes you feel poor and/or poor.

You know one day you’ll walk into a place, look around, and realize almost immediately that you are home. I’ve done this three times now, and each time it’s happened. You like a prospective random roommate, the bedroom looks huge, or you just realize it’s a terrible deal and you’ll probably just settle to make the bad man stop (which, contrary to popular belief, is a horrible reason to select a new apartment). But the process of getting there is just horrible. And here’s why: everyone on craigslist is lying or lives at the airport where a five dollar bottle of water is a STEAL of a deal.

For the past few days, my friend and I have printed out upwards of 20 postings to take around with us while we hunt all day long. At the beginning of the day, you feel like you are sitting on a goldmine: All of these places are a deal! Every one of them is too hard to pass up! IF WE DON’T DO SOMETHING THIS APARTMENT WILL BE RENTED OUT IN THE NEXT 14 SECONDS, IT’S THAT GOOD!! By the end of the day? You hate the world and are considering moving to a small rural town where you can live on six acres and have nine bedrooms for fourteen dollars. It turns out most of those places Craig and his minions are selling are sending a little misinformation.

So I’ve decided to decode some common craigslist verbiage that’s floating around out there. If i’m going down right now, I figure i’ll bring my new found knowledge to the people so that when you have to get out there, you might have a better shot at understanding what a craigslist post means before you get too excited.

Large 2 BR with a great view: By large, they mean if you love prison and are looking to upgrade a little. Remember when you got to college and realized your dorm room was kind of like living in a cardboard box? Now get in the cardboard box, break it because you are too large for it, and this is your new “large” bedroom in San Francisco. Oh, and by view, they mean a wall. Because that’s what your new bedroom window looks out to. The wall of the middle of the building. The only reason this view might be great is if you can also see the window of another persons apartment and can totally spy on them. You know, if you’re creepy. Personally I’d never do this. Unless she was hot and totally wanted to do me. Moving on.

Lots of Charm: Everything breaks all the time, but you’ll love it because it looks like old people used it! Do you like doors that don’t really close? How about “split” bathrooms where the toilet feels like a port-o-potty oddly placed in the middle of the apartment? Fireplaces that aren’t fireplaces? Well, my friends, you’ve come to the right place. Don’t worry, it’s still priced like everything is brand new. That’s what’s so charming! It either breaks, serves no functional purpose or takes up space you would have loved to have used…tee hee!

Lots of Light: Its got windows. Not like those OTHER apartments that don’t have windows. Wait you said you used to live in prison, right?

Quiet Professional Building: Tons of old people live here, and they hate you if you like to have fun. And by fun, we mean do things like walk, talk, or do any other human function. If you are alive and/or do human things, this probably isn’t the place for you.

Remodeled Kitchen and Newer Appliances: This place was a total piece of shit, so we kind of painted over the shitty parts and added a microwave that fits half a bag of popcorn. The stove works sometimes too, but don’t expect any miracles like “cooking” something. What do you think this is, a Motel 6? We don’t have the kind of “remodel” money they have!

Shared Patio: Bobby Fratastic and his striped shirt cohorts are usually out here grilling up a hella tight BBQ before they go out to crush tons of chicks. Oh, a creepy old guy sits out here also and judges you from time to time. You are not allowed to put anything out here or use anything that is here. Wouldn’t it be awesome though if you could? Don’t you want to throw down that extra $300 for this dream?

Great Location: We’re lying. It’s nowhere near anything really, but this made you read our post. It’s on that one street that has one of those weird names you’ve never really heard of. Food is like 10 blocks away and there is a random corner store that has slices of american cheese and some warm coke with dust on it on the shelf. At a totally reasonable price of about $3 per can. But not everyone has that luxury, so it totally makes sense.

Washer Dryer in Building: We’ve put a washer dryer from 1974 in the creepy garage downstairs where you might get shanked at night. It runs on coins for about $22 dollars a load. Also, the dryer doesn’t really dry anything, so make sure to run it about eight times. We hope you hate your clothes, because this state-of-the-art wonder that we won in the showcase showdown back during Woodstock ruins everything! Oh, and if you want to use it you can’t because someone else usually is, since everyone wants to use it when they get home from work in our 10 unit building. Beggars can’t be choosers. BEGGARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS.

Lots of Closet Space: It’s got a closet in one of the bedrooms. It can fit like four t-shirts and a pair of shoes. It also has a hall closet that can hold two jackets and a swiffer mop! (well kinda, but the door won’t really close if you want to put the swiffer mop in there, so maybe just don’t get one of those)

Parking Available: We have one spot in our garage for about $400 a month. It’ll take you about 4 weeks to learn how to fit your moped in there, but that’s totally worth it. Oh, you have a car? Like, a real one? That will kind of fit. Actually it won’t. You can try though. Street parking is everywhere though at 3am. Sure, hobos break into your car, but it’s no big deal. They’re just cold! Don’t be so cruel! And wait you have a car? DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT? ASSHOLE.

New Price Reduction!: Seriously, nobody wants to live here. So that’s a pretty good sign. Yeah, this is that post you saw two months ago. Seriously, we haven’t rented it out yet. So what if someone died here. We dropped the price by $100. Totally reasonable.

Gas Stove: Wait, really? This is listed as a “feature” in the post? That’s like saying “it has four walls”.

Edwardian Style: If there is an earthquake, you are going to die. Like, one of those earthquakes no one else felt. You just died.

At the end of the day today, we went and saw a place that pretty much summed it up. Russian Hill. It was described as a “cottage” that couldn’t be missed. So when we found it, there were three old dudes with beards standing there looking like they either molest or stab people for a living. It had staircases that only anorexic people could comfortably walk up, one of the bedrooms was a ledge over the living room that was described as “cozy” that had no walls or privacy, and it also had a room that one could only get to by going through the bathroom (?) that the guy told us could “probably fit a small matress if we could find a third roommate.” Oh, cool! I thought that was just the creepy pedophelia room! Kevin wasn’t going to move in with us, but i’m SURE he’s on board now if we explain to him that we have a room where he could probably lay horizontally and not really stand up! Thanks for helping us see the “steal” of this place, creepy old bearded man!

Needless to say, we found one place we like so far. And this is after I came to the conclusion that I will be spending a billion trillion dollars if I want a room and/or windows in a neighborhood where I probably won’t die kind of sort of. So that’s cool. But the thing is, the first place I lived in this city had a born again, meghans law certified crazyhorse of a landlord who told me that Jews were going to hell and I currently live in a neighborhood where someone has thrown fried chicken at me (true story, AND the cop who was arresting her after the incident acted like she’d done this before…here’s a tip homeless woman, EAT THE FOOD. YOU’RE HOMELESS) and I wake up every morning to people yelling things like, “Crackhead biiiiiiiiitch!” (not even lying, this is also true and I have guests/witnesses who will testify to this in a court of law).

Point being, I could use a little edwardian charm right about now.

Close Bookmark and Share This Page

Copy HTML:

If you like this then please subscribe to the RSS Feed.